Article : Sex, Lust, and Compost

by Don Matthews, F.M.C.C.

God has been called many things, but I doubt if He's ever been called "The Great Composter." Yet, that is how I see Him working in the lives of many promise keepers.

Why the compost image? Because a compost pile turns our smelly garbage into something useful and life-giving. We pile up a lot of personal garbage as we go through life. Most of it is psychological, the product of a poor self-image resulting from long-held feelings of worthlessness. Sometimes, we freely and willfully make unhealthy sexual choices, a condition many call lust.

One area that men in particular struggle with is their sexuality and the decisions they make around sexual behavior. I'd like to offer hope to those who carry a burden of shame because of past sexual thoughts, desires and actions. Some of you reading this may even be caught in a whirlpool of sexual behavior that borders on addiction or has already gone over the line.

To clarify what is meant by sexual addiction, let's look at its nine identifying signs.

Loss of control. The person says, "I shouldn't behave this way but I can't help it."
Loss of discrimination. For example, watching an uninteresting TV program only for its titillation value.
Withdrawal symptoms. When trying to stop the addictive behavior, the man feels a degree of discomfort.
Increased emotional isolation. Sex addicts can be quite socially skilled, but their secret life isolates them.
Increased sexual appetite. Sex addicts tell themselves they have a higher sex drive than most people, but the desire for sex isn't what drives them. They're avoiding intimacy.
Increased pain toleration. Secret sexual behaviors always create physical or emotional pain.
Denial. Sex addicts excuse their behavior or simply deny there is a problem.
Avoidance as a defense. Addicts avoid intimacy with the person(s) closest to them. Anonymous or solitary sex makes it easier to avoid real issues in their lives.
Ritualism. Sex addicts are predictable. The ritual aspect of their behavior puts them in a kind of hypnotic trance. I call this "Goofy, the Addict," because they don't see the potential consequences.

If you are worried that your sexual behavior may be out of control, let me assure you – there is hope. Here is a plan guaranteed to help you regain ownership of your life and management of your sexuality.

Be honest with yourself – courageously honest – around sexual stuff. There is no healing without truth. Self-deception is deadly.

Recognize the difference between sexual drive and sex addiction. Temptation isn't the same as lust. It isn't wrong to look with admiration at a woman. It is wrong to long for something and someone you cannot have. This also creates internal disharmony.

See the "big picture," in which others are recognized as God's creation. When we look only at the "small picture," others become objects to be used for our pleasure, which is a sin. Sin goes against our values, causing inner turmoil and destroying peace of mind.

While prayer is an important element in finding healing and peace, most often, healing comes through sharing. An extremely useful tool for men who are committed to dealing positively with problems of sexuality is the "buddy system." Having a buddy and being one to someone else is a great service and a powerful ministry. A buddy might be a clergyman, a fellow promise keeper, or a covenant group. The "right" buddy for someone struggling with his sexuality is a man who:

listens without judging (or even offering advice)
is frank about sharing his own problems
makes it safe for you to be excruciatingly honest about your sexual behavior
prays with you
walks alongside you on the journey toward health and wholeness

Sexual addiction is about intimacy – actually, the lack of it. To learn what true intimacy is, we need to share our burdens with someone who understands us. Having close ties to other men helps to break the cycle of shame and restore peace of mind. And as God uses your relationship of accountability to help you overcome this area of sin, be prepared for Him to use you to help another in the same way.

Just as gardeners use compost to give life to their flowers and vegetables, God – “The Great Composter" – wants us to recycle our garbage into something valuable, something we can use for Him. We may see only our ugly, deadening faults. God looks at us and sees the whole, healthy men we are capable of becoming. When we do it God's way, "all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28).

Don L. Mathews, M.F.C.C. is founder/director of Impulse Treatment Center in Pleasant Hill, Calif., a practice which concentrates on treating sexual addiction. He can be contacted directly at (925) 680-4477